Have You Ever...........

Sitting here looking at a blank page......well it was. Listening to some Spanish music. Love music to be exact. Then i thought:

Have you ever felt.................alone? Even though you are surrounded by people who love you and tell you they do... Yeah, plenty of times, and even though they tell you and you know it to be true why does it not seem enough? What's missing?

Have you ever felt sick? Not flu sick but sick to your stomach? Yes. why?

Have you ever felt abandoned? Sure, I do at times. I try not to think about it too much, Ive learned to block that. Is it a gift or a burden? A bit of both I suppose...

Have you ever lost someone you loved? Yes, a couple of people. I ask why. I know the answer to some of the whys but one in particular I wish I had answers to. Fuck.

Have you ever felt not trusted? Haha, rhetorical question? plenty of times actually, but why when I should be trusted I'm not? Maybe, just maybe that's my fault.

Have you ever had a descent conversation with your parents? No. Why can't I speak to my parents? Can you? Honestly. I don't believe Ive had a conversation with my parents about anything that has to do with my personal life. Why is that i wonder, why cant they tell me and why cant I tell them I LOVE YOU? Yet this word is thrown around by millions of people every single day, it is taken for granted and its said when its not meant. I'm guilty of it. Are you?

Have you ever hugged someone so hard you felt their heart beat? Yes, and i wondered if they could feel mine... and if they did what exactly went through their mind? Because mine was full of anger and disgust.

Have you ever hated someone so much you still know you love them? Am i the only one who can answer yes to this question? Hate is such a strong word, I try not to use it and even answering this question, I don't feel as though i hate just really dislike. Despite the hurt, anger, betrayal, anguish, disappointment and sadness I think I still have love. At times however, that love is taken over by anger and despair. By the bad memories you have left me with and the memories I cant even put together no matter how hard I try. I comfort myself and only I know how to block you out, but somehow the thought of YOU alone breaks me, brings me to my knees and weakens me in ways I never thought possible. Sometimes I think of you so hard I forget to breath and for all these things I DISLIKE YOU because YOU are my only weakness.

Have you ever felt like you were crazy? Plenty of times. Crazy over love and crazy over anger and crazy over not knowing why! I went crazy when i looked into your eyes and i saw tears coming down your face and I felt absolutely NOTHING because I didn't know you, because you were never in my life and because at the same time I saw for a moment that you did love me.... just by the way you looked at me and then I suddenly realized I was lying to myself because I, I stupidly wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Have you ever loved someone you didn't know? Yes, from the minute I saw you all I loved each one of you and I hated myself for not being in your life, for not being there when YOU needed me for not setting an example and for not telling you I LOVE YOU everyday and MEANING it! I loved you from the moment you held my hand, held on to it all day and looked at me and smiled. From the moment I looked at you and saw myself, and when you wouldn't leave my side... when you wanted to talk to me about everything. And I will NEVER forget when I left you all and saw the sadness in your eyes as if you knew I would never return.... it hurts me deeply because I haven't. I'M SORRY.

This is the result of random thought at random hours......i hope i picked at your brain, I'm leaving now because mine is all picked out....

<3,
sLax