The Mysteries of an Aquarius

It has been a while since I have blogged, since November 2010 I think. Wow, so much going on, well life really and we all know how that is, and just in case you were wondering, had an awesome holiday season with friends and family. My awesome bday in Feb thanks to everyone for coming to all my bday celebrations lol. Friends bday in March, hi buddy, my mom, sister, 2 aunts n 1 cousins bdays in April. I know right n so on… But, here I am fresh as a muhfuckah! Hahaha…….so today’s blog is about Aquarius’ I came across a quote or statement rather that caught my attention as it did to some of my fellow Aquarius’. It reads

Sometimes it’s hard for an Aquarius to get too close to someone
As they feel and fear the other person might be gone.
[[Via www.twitter.com/AboutAquarius]]

Now if you happen to know an Aquarius you know how we are. You might not know how we feel, but you know a little about our tempers and our cold, stone cold I should say hearts, well some of us at least. Don’t quote me on that. You see, it’s not that we want to be mean, it’s that it is the only defense mechanism we have and probably the only one we know. Don’t take it personal, at least not on my part, I can only imagine what you think or go through with your Aquarius partner. I am simply stating my own thoughts based on my experiences.
For me, allowing someone to get close takes a lot. No not a drink n dinner, it takes more than that. You want get to know me, make the time make an effort to SHOW me it’s ok for me to let you in, to allow you to see who I really am. Yes, I’m funny and charming and cute [hahah ok scratch that] never mind don’t, cute! Lol, but there are certain things I keep to myself because if I didn’t what would I have? Don’t get me wrong there are people who know how I truly feel about a lot of things, what frightens me, what gets to me and who gets to me, the reasons for my emotional rollercoaster sometimes, which I always want to get off of too but cant, and other things. I can honestly say that only a handful of people know what’s locked up away inside me. They know who they are, and they should feel special for knowing. Those people, those are the ones I know I can’t trust and I know I can talk with about anything.
Now do you see the reason why we Aquarius’s are so careful and protective of our feelings? No? Ok, let me try and break it down for you. How do I know, really know I can trust you with my deepest darkest secrets? I don’t, so first you have to prove to me that I can trust you. I don’t know why, it’s just the way it is ok. A lot of people don’t get us, for the simple fact that as my friend Jess says “we are just bitches who don’t give a fuck!” preach on Jess. Lol. Sad but true. For me there are many reasons I hold back on true feelings with people, they way I see it I got to hurt you before you hurt me, and believe me when I say to hurt me it takes a whole lot and sometimes I will hurt you back 10 times worse. In the mix of it all I have to let you go before you let me go because that would be something I couldn’t handle. Almost as if I wouldn’t know how to deal with the emptiness, not within me but around me. Weird? Yeah…

As an Aquarius, you want to give and receive love,
But don’t know how to make space for others.
[[VIA www.twitter.com/ZodiacFacts]]




Jess sent me that quote, and I asked her opinion as a fellow Aquarius and she replied with this:
Aquarius women are just screwed J we want our freedom but want someone to take care of us. We want to be independent but still need someone there. We love to fuck bitches but making love is too difficult sometimes. It requires too much emotions and giving too much of ourselves to our partner. Is it fear? Not sure. I think we put our hearts in a tiny little box with lots and lots of locks, don’t want anyone getting near it!!! But at the same time we wish someone would try. We love the idea of love but are too emotionally detached from the world to allow love in a lot of times. Love requires us to be a little vulnerable and we don’t like that [I agree with this]. Deep down inside we are sensitive motherfuckers but we do whatever is in our power to live our lives as if we are not [yup!] We know being detached is so unhealthy but it’s easy. We hurt people who love us unconditionally because we don’t want to get hurt first. We do the hurting, period. Relationships are difficult for us for all these reasons. We either cheat on our partners a lot or stay single and fuck a lot. It’s just that way. But let me tell you one thing… when we love, it’s like lightning struck us. We become those dumb vulnerable girls we hate but it feels so damn good we can’t control it. Learning to love is hard for us but once we really feel true love, we grow a little. Become a better person to our partner and kind of mature in general. Allowing ourselves to love opens so many doors within ourselves, it makes us realize we wouldn’t trade love for anything. We realize that love and pain go hand in hand. Love requires work, a lot of it. But real love is worth it. So, is it fear?!? Nah, we’re just bitches who don’t give a fuck until the right person comes along. –Jess

Thanks Jess for sending me your input. Like I told Jess I believe my heart is still pretty cold at times and for some reason it is not yet completely healed as much as I want it to be, I don’t think I allow it to be. And as soon as I feel I have opened up to someone and slowly start to let my guard down something stupid happens and I just build that guard right back up 10 times stronger. I know the hurt and pain along with all the bad memories will always be there it’s the scar that keeps reminding me that no matter how hard I try it will never heal. That’s just me; time heals all it’s the healing process I hate!! I have survived this long so I know I can survive even longer. Besides, I’ve grown a lot since, well back in the day haha. My solution is, as Jess said learning to control my thoughts. That is all. Let’s see how that goes huh?
It is said that Aquarius can be shy, sensitive, gentle and patient or enthusiastic and lively with a tendency to be exhibitionist. You are interesting and attractive [VIA GOOGLE] that’s a given huh? Haha. Under likes it reads: Fame, Themselves [lol] privacy, dreams, magic, change, eccentricity, surprises [I do kind of] living with their means. Under dislikes it reads: Emotion, intimacy, Show-offs, taken for granted [yes!], Being ‘pinned down’ [hahha], violence and senseless extravagance [VIA GOOGLE]



Look, this is simply my opinion and my thoughts constructed and written down. It is all twisted and fucked up as we all are. We all have issues and things we deal with in our own ways, I just happen to be a dick about it, oh well u can swallow!!



Write you all soon. Any questions? Ask! Bye for now
<3,
sLax

Give Me Wings

I wrote this Oct. 1st, 2010...

Deep inside me lies the truth, deep inside me is an abyss that I can’t even reach. It’s not bliss, but if you hear closely you can hear a hissss like a fucking snake ready to attack, sink its teeth into your skin and infect you with my venomous sins and my lies that tie me down and construct my very being. My feelings are suppressed, my pain and anger are all coming to the surface and it’s all a God damn mess, it’s like I’m addicted to this stress but there is nothing I regret I just don’t want to be upset - no more – I need to learn to forget and start to earn respect.

This shit is so fucking hard can’t I just be at ease, for fuck sake please, maybe a little breeze, watch the sun set with a gun in my hand and a beer in another, hey mother… party of 2 just me and u… fuck it, down it why bother to baby-sit it when I feel this is my very last beer, CHEERS to the world! It’s fucking heavy, I can’t hold onto it no more, HELP I yell to GOD as I look up at the sky, I hope you can hear me and forgive me, please just give me the strength, the will and the power to survive this life don’t let me give up and bleed out.

FUCK! I’m on my knees begging please, set me free give me wings to fly away and live at peace because I myself will be the end of me.

Have You Ever...........

Sitting here looking at a blank page......well it was. Listening to some Spanish music. Love music to be exact. Then i thought:

Have you ever felt.................alone? Even though you are surrounded by people who love you and tell you they do... Yeah, plenty of times, and even though they tell you and you know it to be true why does it not seem enough? What's missing?

Have you ever felt sick? Not flu sick but sick to your stomach? Yes. why?

Have you ever felt abandoned? Sure, I do at times. I try not to think about it too much, Ive learned to block that. Is it a gift or a burden? A bit of both I suppose...

Have you ever lost someone you loved? Yes, a couple of people. I ask why. I know the answer to some of the whys but one in particular I wish I had answers to. Fuck.

Have you ever felt not trusted? Haha, rhetorical question? plenty of times actually, but why when I should be trusted I'm not? Maybe, just maybe that's my fault.

Have you ever had a descent conversation with your parents? No. Why can't I speak to my parents? Can you? Honestly. I don't believe Ive had a conversation with my parents about anything that has to do with my personal life. Why is that i wonder, why cant they tell me and why cant I tell them I LOVE YOU? Yet this word is thrown around by millions of people every single day, it is taken for granted and its said when its not meant. I'm guilty of it. Are you?

Have you ever hugged someone so hard you felt their heart beat? Yes, and i wondered if they could feel mine... and if they did what exactly went through their mind? Because mine was full of anger and disgust.

Have you ever hated someone so much you still know you love them? Am i the only one who can answer yes to this question? Hate is such a strong word, I try not to use it and even answering this question, I don't feel as though i hate just really dislike. Despite the hurt, anger, betrayal, anguish, disappointment and sadness I think I still have love. At times however, that love is taken over by anger and despair. By the bad memories you have left me with and the memories I cant even put together no matter how hard I try. I comfort myself and only I know how to block you out, but somehow the thought of YOU alone breaks me, brings me to my knees and weakens me in ways I never thought possible. Sometimes I think of you so hard I forget to breath and for all these things I DISLIKE YOU because YOU are my only weakness.

Have you ever felt like you were crazy? Plenty of times. Crazy over love and crazy over anger and crazy over not knowing why! I went crazy when i looked into your eyes and i saw tears coming down your face and I felt absolutely NOTHING because I didn't know you, because you were never in my life and because at the same time I saw for a moment that you did love me.... just by the way you looked at me and then I suddenly realized I was lying to myself because I, I stupidly wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.

Have you ever loved someone you didn't know? Yes, from the minute I saw you all I loved each one of you and I hated myself for not being in your life, for not being there when YOU needed me for not setting an example and for not telling you I LOVE YOU everyday and MEANING it! I loved you from the moment you held my hand, held on to it all day and looked at me and smiled. From the moment I looked at you and saw myself, and when you wouldn't leave my side... when you wanted to talk to me about everything. And I will NEVER forget when I left you all and saw the sadness in your eyes as if you knew I would never return.... it hurts me deeply because I haven't. I'M SORRY.

This is the result of random thought at random hours......i hope i picked at your brain, I'm leaving now because mine is all picked out....

<3,
sLax

Once a CHEATER ALWAYS a CHEATER!

As i wrote the title to this blog i cant help but laugh. Its just so popular. So, what do u think, once a cheater always a cheater? I beg to differ.....here are my reasons why, please feel free to contradict me, ill enjoy it! ;)

CHEAT is defined by the dictionary as: "to defraud; swindle: 2. to deceive; influence by fraud: 3. to elude; deprive of something expected" AND "a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds: [She] /He is a cheat and a liar."

Fair enough right, "you fuking cheater. ur an asshole..." blah blah blah, im sure many of you, including myself; yes ive cheated, i will get to that shortly, have heard this one way or the other. Now if you have never been cheated on kudos to u my friend, send me a pix n ill post it on my blog and let the world know u r 1 in a billion trillion gazillion who have not been cheated on, lol. But, perhaps u didnt know and u never came to find out... so maybe i dont want your pix afterall, haha jk [just kidding].

I believe there are tons of reasons y a person will cheat. In no particular order, except number 1, ahah.

1. TEMPTATION: the #1 on my list this bitch is everywhere. Shes next to me right now but i say "NO!" lol, but seriously, u know what i mean.

2. LUST: defined by the dictionary as "intense sexual desire or appetite 2. uncontrolled or illicit sexual desire or appetite; lecherousness" - now she is temptations wing woman, they go hand in hand, they are buddies and their mission is to get you! ahahah, when someone or something looks appetizing u start to desire it. It can become almost an obsession. When u want some1/thing u cant have, it becomes even MORE desirable...

3. DEMANDING: ok, demads are not pretty. When u start to demand something from ur partner it starts to become annoying and tiring. Ive been thru this and it was a disaster. It was like being in a bubble, restricted and alone. I couldnt do anything, talk to anyone, look at anyone or i'd get slapped, ok not really but u know what i mean. Another x was too demanding od spending time with er, i mean come on. Geez, how can i miss you if im always with u? ugh...Demands should not HAVE to be met they should be done willingly. ASK dont DEMAND!

4. NETWORKS: i think this is a new one, damn u Twitter, FB, MySpace, Friendster, lez.com, Dinah, and who knows what else. A friend of mine told me that they found out their gf/bf was cheating because there was unusual activity on their FB account. EX: pictures, wall to wall posts and DM's [direct messages] No how stupid r u to 1. give ur bf/gf access to ur acct [unless ur not doing anything then ok, n this is where #3 also comes in] 2. post pictures with the "other" person [u get a SLAP for that one] and 3. post wall to wall comments that u KNOW will be seen by everyone especially ur bf/gf. And word of mouth as well, ur bf/gf is for sure to have friends on the acct and gossip travels quikly people. A note of advice to y'all and my friend thats so not worth your time or anyone and its disrespectful which comes to my next point.

5. DISRESPECT: This is a big one. However, i believe there are some boundaries. One of my x's was so anal about disrespect that i couldnt even look at another girl even if i didnt really mean to look in that "daam lemme check u out" kind of way. She automatically assumed that i wanted her or we were talking to ea. other with our eyes, lol seriously? WOW, thats y shes an x. ahahah. I think however, that its ok to talk to a stranger if its in a friendly way. For ex: im outside smoking and a girl asks me "do u have an xtra cig?" ok, sure y not? and then its followed by "thank u" and if shes friendly and doesnt have friends to go back to she might spark up a conversation and thus the chatting begins. Does this mean she wants me? no, or maybe, but if and only if she crosses that line then u tell her "oh thank u but i have a gf"and hand her a CAUTION flyer! WOOT! =D now if ur unhappy, next point...

6. UNHAPPINESS: u tell her here take my number [theres a reason y u dont take hers!] but i wont give out me secrets, lol jk, i will pass on the torch to u ladies. You dont take hers so that if u get a text or a call from an unkown number u have an xcuse as to why and u dont know who it is, u know play dumb. lol. If you are truly unhappy with your current bf/gf then u have only yourself to blame. Why in Gods name are u still there dealing with #1-5? idk, enlighten me please, unless like one of my friends said, and i quote "if you cheat it's because your so over it but dont feel the security to leave the forst person for the other..'safety issues'" i agree, sometimes people cheat as a way"out" if you would of a relationship because they dont have the balls or guts or courage to tell their bf/gf they want it to be over. Ive done it, im guilty, and oddly enough it didnt work. Lol, go figure.

7. THE 80/20 RULE: Idk [i dont know] if most of you have heard about this one. ill break it down for u. You have 80% of a woman at home [wifey gf/bf whatever] meaning she cooks, cleans, does ur laundery, puts ur slippers on, irons ur clothes, makes u lunch for work, dinner EVERYTHING! BUT, 20% is still missing. Maybe sex, hot steamy mind boggling sex, or sex appeal, kinky stuff, attractiveness, u get my drift. Back to #1 and #2 TEMPTATION and LUST. The result: CHEATING! just because that 20% you are missing at home was calling ur name in that tight mini skirt with that tight shirt that was showing her goodies. Lol. The downfall of course is, if you get caught ur gf/bfmight break up with u and so now u have that 20% but she has no clue how to do any of the 80%! My friend said "cheating is ok, unless u get caught" lol.

8. BEING TOO NICE: Ironic isnt it? My gf brought this one to my attention [thank u babe] She said one of her x's ex told her "you're stupid, y would u buy her everything she wants?" Apparently my babe spoiled her ex, and this caused the x to turn her feelings from liking her to taking advantage of her. Thus, the x would just keep taking all the presents but really was just taking advantage of my babe's kindness, lol. Oh well, lesson learned huh? Advice: dont spoil her/him too much it might get a little overwheling and they might take your presents and give them to the person they are cheating on u with. bummer.

9. COMMUNICATION: It has been said that this one is a real important one too. Of course it is, without communication how can u even begin to know what your partner is thinking. Unless of course u have been with them for a while then u know them like the back of your hand or so you think. If there are things that bother you they should be communicated this way u know and understand ea other and are on the same page. None communication can b a factor in cheating and it tends to turn boring, blah.

Last but certainly NOT least...

10. ISSUES: Now this can be a number of things. Child hood stuff up to the present. The lack of a parent, security issues, anything that has to do with who "they" are. Feel me, i cant really elaborate because this one is so diverse and it can literally b anything.

So, these are MY 10 things on y people might cheat. If i missed any important ones let me know. Now, i know u all wanted to know when i cheated etc. Here it goes.

Temptation and Lust along with demands, communications and the 80/20 rule are what lead me to cheating. ahahah, ok no seriously, as ive said temptation and lust are everywhere and unfortunately they came my way. I let my hormones get the best of me, i didnt think with my heart or my head. I got up in the moments, one too many times. I felt bad after the fact, and a cheater will tell u this. Girls ask "dont u think bout it? didnt u think about me? Didnt u think it would hurt me?" Honestly NO, i didnt. Why? because i WAS caught in the moment I WASNT THINKING, ladies please dont waste ur time asking these questions because they are gonna answer what u want to hear "yes but..." the truth of the matter is they werent thinking bout u, they were thinking about getting what they wanted and what was in the moment. I dont beleive people cheat because they trully want to but because it really does just happen [sometimes]. Just because i cheated doesnt mean i didnt LOVE the person i was with and i hate the fact that when your caught or u decide to be truthful about the one question always asked is "why i thought u loved me?" I mean is it a rhetorical question i mean come on!

Another one of myproblems is the fact that i can completely shut off! Like if i had an On n OFF Button. One of my x's told me once "YOU have NO heart! U are cold and dont give a fuk!" i said ok. I knew it, so what? Its a gift but it is also a burden, and thats something i need to learn to control. This is a WHOLE NEW BLOG! lol...

Ive felt love before and i know what it is to love and be loved, i know what it is to feel pain and cause pain and thru my relationships i have learned and grown into the person i believe i am today. Ive changed in many ways ask my bff [hi amor] I can be everything u want me to be but i can also be your worst nightmare! Im a sweet person, im funny [huh vixen? lol, since she said in her last blog that i entertained everyone at skeelos bday dinner] im outgoing and im the shiet! lol, [jk] because that is who i truly am...

I hope u guys enjoyes my blog and ill check u later. Dont forget cLub CAUTION this sat 4.17.10 bak at Marty's 4.17.10 located at 5137 York Blvd LA 90024!

i leave u with this from my friend and i quote "cheating doesnt bring anything good...its never ok to do it no matter what the reason is, BUT it does happen"

<3,
sLax

CAUTION! drink responsibLy

Hello aLL. its been a good minute since ive posted a blog. Ive been busy, the cLub, which by the way i dont think ive mentioned, well i host/promote/co-own [cLub] CAUTION (and i am part of Intense Productions, which produces CAUTION) as u can see over to the right of my profiLe there is a fan widget, feeL free and cLick on it and become a fan! =)


So, Lets go back in time. I had asked my mom to make me some pozole for my bday, as i do every year! This was on Saturday 2/13 and so i invited my famiLy over to my house, my aunts came and sum of my cuzns. And of course my bff's. After my famiLy left it was time to bring it up a notch! We made some calls and everyone came over and we continued the party with sum Beer Pong and Flip a Cup. Sooooo fun!

we Lost! But we aLL had a great time!


Then Sunday was Vday, so i got my babe sum stuff. And then dinner at Wood Ranch and her other present. It was a necklace with her favorite charm. A key with a heart! =D

My bday was 2/16 it was a tues and my babe pLanned surprise bday dinner for me, but it faiLed cuz wheN we waLked into the restauraNt i saw 2 of our friendS at the bar. They tried to hide but i was Like oh its p and shaN, LoL then i knew thaT every1 eLse was probabLy there! bUt either way, it was a great dinner. Thanks every1. And thanks babe for makin it possibLe ur the BEST! =)

Then THE BIG DAY CAME! Saturday 2/20/10 the night of [cLub] CAUTION! My bday ceLebration didnt end! I was ALso going to celebrate my bday at the cLub, i was GONE! i was acting CrrrrrAzy, IT WAS A GREAT NIGHT........xcepT i cant remember much of it. I had drinks coming to me from friends aLmost the whoLE night, thnx guys! and i was acting pimp aLL night with the money...LMFAO! omg, so funny n shamefuL..... =/

Everything was great and dandy, untiL about 1245am. I walked over to the front door to check on the peopLe who were stiLL coming in, and i dont know what happened, but i feLL and a bottLE of CORONA broke! The gLass went fLying everywhere, and it unfortunateLy cut my foot! BAD! I hadnt reaLized it, I wasnt in pain or anything, I just thought "oh shit, my draUnk ass feLL...hahahah" People heLped me up and one of my friends feLt her hands wet, she thought it was beer but when she Looked at her hands under the Light she saw bLood! I was actually on my way back to the dance fLoor, hahaha, when she stopped me and toLD kurLs "shes bLeeding!!"

They sat me down and inspected me and the cut was on my left foot right between my big toe and my heeL. There was so much bLood everywhere! puddLes and traiLs. My friend was covered in my bLood. Then to make things worse, the Police got caLLed. Not just one cop car but 6 Plus 2 heLLicopters, SWAT, The Army and The Air FOrce.....ok, im kidding but the hellicopters did come thru. Im sure they thought the worst since there was bLood everywhere. So, my friends rushed me to the car and took me to the ER, and on the way there i was throwing up Like there was no tomorrow! (Which btw, sorry to my bFf sandy, cuz my throW up was ALL OVER her caR! i owe hEr!) but apparentLy i was being a drunk, hahha and i refused to get treated at the ER by the doctor so they said if she refuses we cant treat her. Ok, but wait, the only reason i was refusing was becuase i had just Lost my insurance therfore, i did not want to be stuck with a big ass biLL. I thought the cut wasnt bad i didnt feel anything, but i was drunk so....pweezy and kurLs were sLApping me at the ER, i know right, i had a cut foot and a swoLLen face, hahah. We left the ER and they kept me in the car whiLe the cLub ended.

Hours LAter, i started to feeL the pain! FinaLLy we got to my friends house and they cLeaned my cut. I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER!!! Dont reaLLy cLearLy remember but i do remember some pain! The next day, 2/21 Sunday, I was dying. Had a bad hangover, i was throwing up and i couldnt walk! Finally my babe and i went home, i couldnt stand the pain anymore so i caLLed my insurance to see what was up and turns out it was stiLL active!! LOL, i know right, so we went to the ER and it was AWEFUL!

Here is my bLoody cut foot! hahha i couldnt walk for a week and i had to wear a boot to reLEase the pressure when i waLked.

WHAT A GREAT BDAY WEEKEND!!!!! Cant wait tiL next year!

bye for now,

sLax

WouLd u Like a drink?

IM BACK! i been MIA for a min, sorry bout that. SO much going on. I was lost with in myself, in my head, in my sould, body and heart. I got drunken alone at home, now that is bad seeing as how i used to be an alcoholic. Seriously.

I used to drink everyday aLL day. I had an ex who got me into drinking, A LOT! i mean, i used to drink but not as much as i did when i was with her. Then we broke up and weLL, i kept drinking. I never really knew i was an alcoholic, not even when i was making beer runs to the store. Watching TV in my room as i popped open CORONA after corona, all whiLe my parents, brother in sister were onLy rooms away.

I realized how bad it was when i was driving home drunk (one of many nights) and woke up in my clothes the next day with my shirt half off, in my jeans, and only one shoe on. But, yes but, perhaps that's not the worst. One of my many drunken nights i woke up in front of a cLub in my car and my friend in the passenger seat! YUP! True Story!! nasty, i know.

The icing on the cake however, and the number one reason was my DUI. i got it back in 2006 a week right before my bday, so right around this time since my bday is 2/16. I was 4am and i was on my way home from dropping off my friend at home. He insisted i chiLL with him for a min b4 i left. But i was soo tired i just wanted to get home. He asked me again if i was ok and i just said ya, im koo. And so i left, i hopped onto the 710 and was on my merry way. Next thing i know i see blue and red lights in my rear view mirror. At that point i thought "fcuk!" From there it was aLL down hiLL. I was arrested, and my aLcohoL LeveL was .18, doubLe the Limit. I was taken over to county n spent 22 hours there! it was NOT PRETTY!

When aLL the mess was over i had a $1200 fine, AA cLAsses as weLL as a restricted Lic. But in the end, i learned my lesson, sadLy this had to happen. My advice to you ALL is aLways have a designated driver or take a cab. We think "it wont happen to me" i know i always thought, but the reality of it is IT CAN n IT WILL! i know That was the most awful experience i have ever came across. I am so greatful n blessed that i was not hurt and that i did not hurt anyone.

Thanks for "listening" untiL our next visit. Bye for now.

ps - dont forget cLub CAUTION on Feb. 20th ceLebrating my bday. Visit www.myspace.com/cLub_CAUTION for aLL info.

<3,
sLax

Coming Out...

I've always known i was a Lesbian. I always found myseLf attracted to women, i just didnt know why or how it was possible. I wanted to know why i was feeling the way i was. I wasn't supposed to feel this way, i was supposed to be attracted to guys! I was raised by my grandma and aunts and was told numerous times what was written in the bible and so on.



When we would go out and see a gay/lesbian couple comments were always made. Whispers wo each other "mira no mas" translation: look at that. I would turn and look thinking it was something interesting like a big dog or a fat cat. LoL. But when i realized what they [meaning my grandma and aunts] were looking at i could only put my head down in shame.



As time passed my feelings became stronger. But somehow i always managed to suppress my feeling. I actually got good at it, ask all my x gf's. LoL, that is a whole new blog. I dated guys up until my sophomore year in high school. Then i knew that i was done PRETENDING to be someone i was not. Junior year, i started dating my first gf, she was amazing. We played basketball together, so we were always together! We were the first, well i would say second to come out in H.S right behind our 2 other friends. Nonetheless, we thought "fuk it" our true friends will accept us and love us regardless and those who wont oh well. We came out to all our friends, most of them responded with "we knew it" some were confused as to why and some just didn't say much. Despite everyones comments we maintained all are true friends and soon enough the whole school knew. We were happy, and then all fuking hell broke loose...

^^this is me senior year [01] ready for prom^^

Our senior year was the worst. Somehow her family was being informed about "our doings" at school and at AWAY games [meaning games that were played at other campuses] We immediately thought it was her cousins since they went to school with us and were always around us. It was horrible. She was prohibited from talking to me, paging me [i know right] seeing me, going out [unless she was supervised] just basically any kind of contact! The only way we saw each was at school and even then we didn't really talk or hang out because we were being watched. Sucks i know. And so when i thought things couldnt get worse they sure fuking did!

MY family found out. Oh, btw [by the way] we had already purchased our tix, our dresses [as seen above] and everything. ok so, turns our one of my cousins came over to my house one day n decided to go snooping around in my room. She was told to do so by my mom,u see my mom is sneaky, she did it so that uf i ever found out she could blame it on her. Uh huh, same shit! Anywho, so they searched my room and found sum letters n notes from my gf. they read them aLL, n might i add that sum of these notes were not aLL innocent! teeheeee ;) well, as we all know famiLy talks shit just as much as the next person so,word got around to my whole family. That wasn't the worse.

Days before the prom i receive a call from one of my aunts. She said get up and change i'm on my way to pick you up. I thought ok, koo we are probably gonna go eat or something. FUK NO. Minutes later she picks me up and to my surprise there was someone else with her in the car. My other aunt. My first thought. Holy shit, they know. Ok got in the car, we drove around the corner, she parked and this was the conversation that followed.

"Mija, do u know why we are here? why we came to talk to u?"
"Um, no. Why?"
Aunt #2 - "Well, wehear somethings and we know it's all true so don't even try to deny it."
"Ok, so if u guys heard what u heard, and u know it's true, as u claim, then y are we here?"
"Because it's wrong, because this isn't u, because u r better than that, u are our neice and we want what's best for u"
Aunt #2 - "Yes, we do, and we want you to be happy. U r beautiful u can be with any guy u want and be happy"
I giggled and shook my head. I couldn't believe this shit. It upset them. LoL.
"well, i am happy. Regardless of who or what im with. Isn't my happiness more important?"
"WHAT? NO! Our family is not ready for this? What would our friends say about us? U want to humilate us and the whole family? Is that what u want?"
Aunt #2 - "Well, is that what u want? This is not happening, and so u know u are not going to prom!" Its been cancelled, consider YOurself being at home all night!"
"WHAT? no, i already have..." i was interrupted before i could finish my sentence.
"You are a totally disgrace to this family"
I couldn't believe what i had just heard. "What? Oh i am, ok then, well this disgrace is leaving. Thanks for a LoveLy chat" U liked my sarcasm huh? Yeah well, inside i was falling apart.
They tried to come after me but i just kept walking and said "NO"

I was ordered back in the car, ok fine, i got in. But, i didnt say a word and neither did they. I knew my aunt felt bad, i think they both did.

They stopped in front of my house, my dog barking and wagging his tail because he was happy to see me, too bad i wasn't.

"Bye mija, we'll..."

The slamming of the car door interrupted my aunts sentence. I didn't look back, i just walked into my house, went straight to my room, put my KORN CD on and thought, this is some bullshit, followed by tears. Eventually i fell asleep.

Things worked out ok, we went to prom afterall, we had a blast and we were together for 6 years! We are still friends til this day.

Stand By for my next blog,who knows what the fuk it will be about! Hope u enjoyed my story.

Bye for now.

<3,

sLax